Heavy Waits

My most recent trip to McDonald's was disappointing to say the least. Did I get food poisoning from an undercooked McDouble? No. Did I get bloated from an overly-salted batch of fries? Nuh-uh. Did my car get broken into whilst I dug into my not second, but third delicious fruit 'n yogurt parfait? Negatory. Nope, because my kind of disappointment came in the form of disrespect. It doesn't matter how I was disrespected - the fact that I was disrespected at all should be enough to get one's blood a boilin' - but I'm going to tell you, my loyal readers, "how" anyway...

I...McGomez...lover of all things McGood and pious...had to wait in line for almost six minutes!

Now you've gotta be thinking, "But McGomez, McDonald's is McWorth the wait! Surely six minutes out of your surprisingly busy day is nothing to get sore over!"

You'd think that...oh, you'd think that...But when they finally gave me my food MY FRIES WERE COLD!!!

I am no longer a rookie yet I am still the youngest member of the team which means I have amongst the highest upside in the circuit and I am currently leading the batting race this season, hitting a majestic .455 (Note: No McDonaldopolite has ever hit .400 in a season). What more do I have to do to get some calls every once in a while? I understand that sometimes the drive-thru lines get backed up. Okay, I get that. But if one of your workers, McDonald's, sees me pull into line on one of your security cameras - which I know you are supposed to check regularly - I expect to be immediately bumped up to 1st or 2nd in line, depending on whether or not McCappo was one of the cars in front of me or not. And to top it off by giving me a sub-par food product...like I said, disappointing.

But I don't blame all McDonald's for wasting my time, just the evil one that made me wait. And, I mean, I still went 1-3 on my pulls that night so it wasn't like the experience rattled me or anything...it really didn't frustrate me until my bedtime introspective thought sessions later that night. It's just...they wasted my time after I made time for them. It hurts me (in my heart). But, being the optimist that I am, I have decided to turn this negative into a positive. Next time I am forced to wait in line, it won't be a waste of time, because I have accumulated an extensive list of 6-minute activities that I can do while I wait. And wouldn't ya know it, I have sorted through them all for only the best answers so that I can include in...

McGOMEZ's TOP 5 THINGS TO DO DURING SIX-MINUTE WAITS:

1) Learn how to play the maracas! The maracas (known as "Shac-Shacs" in Trinidad) are a very common rhythm instrument in Latin American music. Though not as difficult an instrument to learn as, say, the frumpet, it is still rather trickier than most would expect, taking around six minutes to get used to anticipating the rhythms. And for our Gringo readers, don't think that just because you aren't Latino that you can't play maracas. One of the greatest Maracaists of all time, Mako, was actually Japanese!

2) Watch the infamous dinner scene from The Nutty Professor (1996)! While it's true that the entire scene is only about 4 and 1/2 minutes long, you'll definitely need that extra 90 seconds to "flex your muscles" ("Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!") and stop yourself from laughing in time to finally place your order loud and clear.

3) Compete in Major League Eating's World Chili-Eating Championship! Apparently, it's rare when MLE holds a chili-eating contest so even if you aren't up to the chowing chili challenge, this is still a must-see event. The rules are simple: whoever eats the most Ben's Chili in 6 minutes is declared the winner. It takes place this Sunday, October 9 at Taste of D.C in the nation's capital. See you there!

4) Give someone a hug! It's true that giving someone a hug won't take you six minutes. It would be inappropriate if it did. But think of the scenario...You are sitting in the drive-thru line at McDonald's. Can you give the guy who's ordering a hug? No, he's busy. Can you give anyone else who's waiting in line a hug? Maybe, but chances are they are going to be a little apprehensive about letting a stranger rapping on their car window put their arms around their body (and rightfully so). Your only real option is to get out of the car, go inside, and ask someone if you can hug them. Some people will be as apprehensive as those waiting in their cars, but someone will bite. With getting out of your car, doing the hug, then getting back into your car, plan for about six minutes.

5) 5 Minutes of Funk! For those of you who have yet to indulge in Whodini's golden oldie party anthem, I fully recommend it. I'm not going to tell you to go out and buy it right away, though. Really you should go out and preview it first. After you listen to Rhapsody's 30-second preview and decide that you are ready to funk, you can go ahead and buy the full version which, ironically is 5 minutes and 30 seconds of funk bringing our total listening experience to, that's right, 6 minutes. That's 6 Minutes of Funk. You're welcome.

So next time you roll up in your whip and find yourself caught in a six-minute pickle, you have a few options to keep yourself occupied with. Be wise. Don't let them waste your time. Be prepared for anything during your next McDonald's visit...you won't regret it...these guys certainly won't.



Ba Da Ba Ba Baa,

McGomez

Opening Day: It's Good to be Back!

Oh yeah!  Finally, it's that wonderful time of year again: McDonaldopoly.  I hope you've all missed us as much as we've missed eating 4,000+ calories a day.

Off-Season Updates:

So for those of you who didn't follow the team last year or maybe missed a few games, I'll fill you in on some of the team moves.  Last year the team was competing in the MCD (McDonaldopoly Collegiate Division); and while we failed to run away with the league as pre-season  experts predicted, we were still pleased with the performance.  However, as with any college sport, teams change as players graduate or, as in my case, go pro to make the big bucks.  So as our fans seemed to care more for the players than the overall team, we decided to continue coverage of the various leagues we've moved on to.

McHoff, being red-shirted  his freshman year, stuck it out at U of M in the Big 10...Piece division.  He's hoping to take the experience gained from last year and rebound into an All-American.

McKyle, after an amazing Freshman All-American run last year, decided to move to Texas for personal reasons where he looks to capture a national championship playing out his remaining 3 years of eligibility with the Longhorn Beef Patties in the Big 12 (named for the pounds you gain per season).


McGomez went pro, but after being drafted has as of yet failed to negotiate a contract.  (As we all remember, McGomez, while loved in the clubhouse, often clashed with management.)

I, myself (McCappo), signed a moderate minor league contract in the SEC (Southern Eating Conference) where I hope to have great success before making it to the bigs.

And, a new player this year, freshly recruited from China: McHinck.  McHinck hoped to work out a deal last year to get into the league, but couldn't make it happen.  This year he's pumped to be representing Central Michigan University in the MAC (I don't need to explain this conference name).  Fry it up, Chips!

Let's Play Ball!

So, without further ado, let me tell you about this season's opening game:

It's Grade A Goodness!

Always the early riser, I hit up Mickey D's on my way into the clubhouse for breakfast, just to test the waters.  I ordered a large coffee and two medium waters, only to find the refs claim that South of the Mason-Dixon line McMedium waters cost a $1.70.  Hold the phone.  What are these backyard rules you're playing at, Charleston?  But I let it slide.  My first game wasn't the time to make a stink.  So I just got the coffee and figured I'd hit them up again for lunch.  But wait.  The coffee doesn't have a game piece either?  This is some Grade A, Oscar Mayer, Bologna.  But still I restrained myself, trying to make a good impression on management.


So after the sacrifice bunt in my first professional appearance, I was really amped up the second time around.  So I started the second game off with a Big Mac.  No holes barred, I was swinging for the fences.  But I still conservatively chose not to go for another failed medium water play, but instead hit the large meal up (to get the double pull on the fries) but swapped my drink for an iced-coffee.  Those jokers think a large fry, having two pieces, makes up for the large drink not having any.  I respectfully disagree.  By getting a McCafe you add an additional pull for only $0.69.  Not bad. 

I do have the best butt, but I still need
to know how to kiss...the right way.

But as eager as I was, I was a little worried about being rusty after a long off-season.  I shouldn't have been.  I started off with a solid Red Box pull from the Big Mac, not a bad deal now that there's a Red Box right across the street from me.  Then after a ground out on the fries' first pull, hit another solid single with 30 MCR points.  And even after an 0-for on the drink, I finished with a respectable 2 for 4 day.  A good day.  But wait, I practice what I preach.  And as I keep telling all those play-at-home fans out there, make the most out of every play.  I went back to the clubhouse and entered my codes online.  And although you aren't allowed to get a running head start anymore, you get 5 bonus sweepstakes entries for every 5 game codes you enter.  I think the commissioner may have got this one right.  But in addition to the bonus entries, I continued the season off right with a 5 for 10 online appearance, winning another 150 MCR points.  That's already a free subscription to Seventeen Magazine.  And since I was going to buy that anyway, that's like a free $10!  (I get a renewal discount  So folks, I hope you had as joyous an opening day as me, because I'm back, and

I'm Lovin' it!

McCappo