Greetings from the fabulous 'burbs of Motown. After a tumultuous season in 2010 that saw me get off to a rough start (an 0-fer on Opening Day '10), get hot as we approached the All-Star Break (.375 to lead the team as of 10/12/10), and slump down the stretch (.274 final average, 3rd on the team and only .002 higher than the pinch hitters) I endured a stringent off-season program to ensure that this year I'll be in it for the long haul. No more excuses like "My body is rejecting all this grease" or "Oh no! The lack of Vegetables in my McDonald's-heavy diet has robbed me of essential vitamins and minerals that are essential for healthy bodily functions such as eyesight, remaining fertile, and/or preventing scurvy!" No siree, I've trained myself this season to be a reliable force in the lineup from Day 1 to Day 28."How did you do that?" you ask. Well, my eager disciples, I'm going to throw you a bone and generously give you...
McGOMEZ's TOP 5 WAYS HE GOT READY FOR THE 2011 McDONALDOPOLY SEASON:
1) In order to expand my stomach to help with those pesky breakfast sandwiches that gave me fits last season, I have made an addition to my daily diet: Oreos and Peanut Butter. Yes, folks, the classic cookie combo made popular by the Lindsay Lohan version of Disney's The Parent Trap has found it's way into my food rotation and I have to say, my girth is now great enough to handle two Double Quarter Pounders with cheese...in one sitting.
2) I watched re-runs of every NASCAR race from 1995-2000 (they were available for a limited time on stream-only Netflix last June) just to get a glimpse of Bill Elliott's famed #94 McDonald's Ford Taurus. Unfortunately, Elliott didn't win a single race during that span, which accounted for 6 out of the 7 winless years in his Hall of Fame, 24-year full-time racing career. Some could blame his McDonald's sponsorship for bringing bad luck to him on the track, but I attribute his poor performance riding under the arches to selfless promotion of a worthy cause. You see, the slower he raced, the longer race fans could see his red and yellow vehicle on the track, bringing greater McDonald's awareness to podunk towns all across the Southern U.S. and Indiana.
3) I watched a lot of Space Jam. For those of you who didn't follow the team last year, Space Jam is indeed my favorite thing...ever. It excites me. It motivates me. It makes me feel good about myself. 90% of this game is having the willpower to continue going to McDonald's on a regular basis after girls start judging you for it. But that other 10% is confidence and I get my confidence from watching Space Jam. I watched a lot of Space Jam, ergo I have a lot of confidence. Ba-da-bing Ba-da-boom: I believe that I'm primed for a big year.
4) I wrote a book over the summer. It is a 350+ page fiction novel about a six-year-old girl who wears oven mitts, wants to dissect frogs, and talks to a stuffed dog toy (it's about other stuff, too). It helped prepare me for this, though, by teaching me commitment. I had to COMMIT to writing a book just like I have to COMMIT to McDonald's Monopoly. If I want to avoid a repeat of last year's Frygate, I have to be 100% dedicated, which I can proudly say I am.
5) I stayed away from McDonald's. I ate lots of fruits and veggies (cauliflower especially, yum!) and exercised regularly. I made my body healthy and my doctor's couldn't be prouder. And you know what? I am craving McDonald's like a white cartoon rabbit with eyebrows craves Trix (Leave a comment if you did(n't) get that reference!)
After I got myself into the best possible shape for this season, I was ready to put my off-season workouts to the test. However, eager to showcase my preparedness to as many people as possible, I decided to barnstorm to as many McDonald's locations as I could in the first few days. After scouting out different possible locations, I decided on two locations in Royal Oak, MI (one was next to a factory!) and one in Clawson.
Opening Day (9/27) saw me tackle the non-factory Royal Oak Mickey D's and I ordered my ol' standby 10-piece and fries and went an impressive 2-3. This was a charming location with a friendly wait staff and an eager customer base. Apparently, I wasn't the only one winning big as I heard an ecstatic co-customer exclaim "Yes! Free Fries!" These are the moments I live for.
The following day (9/28) I hit up the Factory McDonald's. Constructed right next to, you guessed it, a factory, this location was likely built to accommodate hungry workers who had very little in the way of lunch time. This was probably the reason my service was so darn speedy on this night...I had barely muttered my order when it was placed hot and ready in my hands (*NOTE* I am in no way endorsing Little Caesar's Pizza with that last statement). I fed off of the workers' energy and was able to pull a respectable 1-3 off of another 10-piece and Fries.
The first day of October proved to be my final day in my opening week barnstorm as I decided to make my highly-anticipated appearance in sleepy Clawson, MI's McDonald's. The fans came out in droves to see me place my order and I can honestly say I was surprised that extra crowd control was not called in to corral the unruly masses. Either way, I went a different route in Clawson (figured I'd give 'em a show - Lord knows they deserve one in this stinker of an economy). I ordered a Big Mac and Medium Water (they charged me a buck twenty-five, those cheap scoundrels) and went 1-2.When the cheers had subsided and the results tallied, as the first week of McDonaldopoly '11 came to a close, McGomez was hitting a scintillating .500! Those numbers are too good for even the Hall of Fame!
Now, I know what you're thinking, "There's no way he keeps up this pace." Have you paid attention at all!? This is no fluke. This is what I trained to do. All of that hard work I put in was for these 28 days and I'll be damned if these aren't the greatest 28 days any of y'all have ever seen (with the exception of most February's). Peace, Love, And Rock n' Roll, suckas.
Ba Da Ba Ba Baa,
McGomez
