Listen to Daddy

There's no denying it's been getting rather chilly lately. Temperatures are dropping, leaves are falling, and Halloween candy is beginning to pack the aisles at your local grocery. Yep, it's Fall, and with the sudden approach of cider-season comes every American's favorite pasttime: McDonald's Monopoly.

The 2011 campaign lacked the gusto of the magical 2010 season. Averages were down, and there seemed to be an embarrassing lack of interest by the Official McDonaldopoly team. By my own admission, I think our previous success went to our heads and we lost our appetite for victory. Thankfully, we've never lost our appetite for some crispy fried, Mickey D's goodness, and now that the hangover's been properly treated (a glass of room-temp Vernors and a red/purple Flintstones vitamin usually do the trick), we are back at it and ready to show the world we are no one-year wonder. We're Ba-Da-Ba-Ba-Back!

As the youngest member of the squad, expectations have always been sky high for me. However, my production hasn't always reflected that potential. With my McDonald's runs velocities dipping each of the past two years, it was time to re-think my approach this year. Rather than swinging for medium waters for every pull, I've decided to reimagine my game with a harder-to-defend approach, spreading my pulls across all eligible food items. Big Macs, Fries, Smoothies, and Nuggs...they'll all be evenly utilized in an effort to keep those game pieces on their toes. Of course, the ol' standby will play a part, but I won't be defined by just one pull this season.

Though I relocated to Chicago in the off-season, my first play of the season took place on the road, in lovely Lebanon, IN. As part of a scouting assignment (McDonaldopoly is always on the lookout for hot, young talent...the next McGomez, if you will), I brought along 3 prospects (McMatt, McKevin, and McWill) to see just what they were made of. Though I expected a much different dynamic playing the role of "veteran mentor" for the first time in my career, I did not expect to be disrespected by my trio of newcomers.

"Chicken Nuggets? What are you five?" cackled a cocky McKevin.

McMatt and McWill soon joined in on the insolence.

"Laugh it up, greenhorns," I told them, setting up my ten-piece box for my first pull of the year, "because fundamentals are the key to this game." [Editor's Note: What McGomez actually said was, "Shut up, listen to Daddy, and eat some damn nuggets."]

Their chuckling persisted my warning, but not for long as my first pull resulted in a Major League "Free Medium Fries." Acting like I'd done it before (many times), I ate my nuggets and got ready for my pull. And while that ended up being my only hit of the night (I finished a solid 1-3), I sent a message to my mentees and the rest of the league that McGomez is bringing the discipline this year, and it's dripping with ketchup.

And what did the McProspects do? A combined 0-9, with three outs accounted for by ordering large drinks, a little league mistake. It's one thing to have a bad outing, it's another when mental lapses are the cause. Focus is key - fortunately, it's something everyone is capable of, and at all times..or is it?

McGOMEZ's TOP 5 THINGS ONE SIMPLY CANNOT FOCUS ON:

1) This Flower

 

2) This Family

 

3) The Lord of the Rings Movies 

These movies are a combined 558 minutes long and they are making three more in a Hobbit trilogy. BLAH! I actually liked the cartoon The Hobbit, but that was only 77 minutes long. There's only one way to make a 77-minute cartoon into a ~600 minute trilogy: boring.

 4) Fixing Your Problem If You Can't Admit You Have One

I mean, that's just good advice. I really hope you're listening.

 

5) Anything Else Now That McDonaldopoly is Back!

 

Anyway, I return home this week, ready to take the Windy City by storm. With my new approach firmly established, and my confidence sky-high, I am eager to grab the 2012 McDonald's Monopoly season by the horns...shake 'em around...and paint 'em black. This is the year McGomez breaks through to superstardom. This is the year I become the unstoppable force I've long been predicted. This is the year I change the game forever.

Ba Da Ba Ba Baa,

McGomez

Heavy Waits

My most recent trip to McDonald's was disappointing to say the least. Did I get food poisoning from an undercooked McDouble? No. Did I get bloated from an overly-salted batch of fries? Nuh-uh. Did my car get broken into whilst I dug into my not second, but third delicious fruit 'n yogurt parfait? Negatory. Nope, because my kind of disappointment came in the form of disrespect. It doesn't matter how I was disrespected - the fact that I was disrespected at all should be enough to get one's blood a boilin' - but I'm going to tell you, my loyal readers, "how" anyway...

I...McGomez...lover of all things McGood and pious...had to wait in line for almost six minutes!

Now you've gotta be thinking, "But McGomez, McDonald's is McWorth the wait! Surely six minutes out of your surprisingly busy day is nothing to get sore over!"

You'd think that...oh, you'd think that...But when they finally gave me my food MY FRIES WERE COLD!!!

I am no longer a rookie yet I am still the youngest member of the team which means I have amongst the highest upside in the circuit and I am currently leading the batting race this season, hitting a majestic .455 (Note: No McDonaldopolite has ever hit .400 in a season). What more do I have to do to get some calls every once in a while? I understand that sometimes the drive-thru lines get backed up. Okay, I get that. But if one of your workers, McDonald's, sees me pull into line on one of your security cameras - which I know you are supposed to check regularly - I expect to be immediately bumped up to 1st or 2nd in line, depending on whether or not McCappo was one of the cars in front of me or not. And to top it off by giving me a sub-par food product...like I said, disappointing.

But I don't blame all McDonald's for wasting my time, just the evil one that made me wait. And, I mean, I still went 1-3 on my pulls that night so it wasn't like the experience rattled me or anything...it really didn't frustrate me until my bedtime introspective thought sessions later that night. It's just...they wasted my time after I made time for them. It hurts me (in my heart). But, being the optimist that I am, I have decided to turn this negative into a positive. Next time I am forced to wait in line, it won't be a waste of time, because I have accumulated an extensive list of 6-minute activities that I can do while I wait. And wouldn't ya know it, I have sorted through them all for only the best answers so that I can include in...

McGOMEZ's TOP 5 THINGS TO DO DURING SIX-MINUTE WAITS:

1) Learn how to play the maracas! The maracas (known as "Shac-Shacs" in Trinidad) are a very common rhythm instrument in Latin American music. Though not as difficult an instrument to learn as, say, the frumpet, it is still rather trickier than most would expect, taking around six minutes to get used to anticipating the rhythms. And for our Gringo readers, don't think that just because you aren't Latino that you can't play maracas. One of the greatest Maracaists of all time, Mako, was actually Japanese!

2) Watch the infamous dinner scene from The Nutty Professor (1996)! While it's true that the entire scene is only about 4 and 1/2 minutes long, you'll definitely need that extra 90 seconds to "flex your muscles" ("Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!") and stop yourself from laughing in time to finally place your order loud and clear.

3) Compete in Major League Eating's World Chili-Eating Championship! Apparently, it's rare when MLE holds a chili-eating contest so even if you aren't up to the chowing chili challenge, this is still a must-see event. The rules are simple: whoever eats the most Ben's Chili in 6 minutes is declared the winner. It takes place this Sunday, October 9 at Taste of D.C in the nation's capital. See you there!

4) Give someone a hug! It's true that giving someone a hug won't take you six minutes. It would be inappropriate if it did. But think of the scenario...You are sitting in the drive-thru line at McDonald's. Can you give the guy who's ordering a hug? No, he's busy. Can you give anyone else who's waiting in line a hug? Maybe, but chances are they are going to be a little apprehensive about letting a stranger rapping on their car window put their arms around their body (and rightfully so). Your only real option is to get out of the car, go inside, and ask someone if you can hug them. Some people will be as apprehensive as those waiting in their cars, but someone will bite. With getting out of your car, doing the hug, then getting back into your car, plan for about six minutes.

5) 5 Minutes of Funk! For those of you who have yet to indulge in Whodini's golden oldie party anthem, I fully recommend it. I'm not going to tell you to go out and buy it right away, though. Really you should go out and preview it first. After you listen to Rhapsody's 30-second preview and decide that you are ready to funk, you can go ahead and buy the full version which, ironically is 5 minutes and 30 seconds of funk bringing our total listening experience to, that's right, 6 minutes. That's 6 Minutes of Funk. You're welcome.

So next time you roll up in your whip and find yourself caught in a six-minute pickle, you have a few options to keep yourself occupied with. Be wise. Don't let them waste your time. Be prepared for anything during your next McDonald's visit...you won't regret it...these guys certainly won't.



Ba Da Ba Ba Baa,

McGomez

McGomez's Barnstormin' Bonanza!

Greetings from the fabulous 'burbs of Motown. After a tumultuous season in 2010 that saw me get off to a rough start (an 0-fer on Opening Day '10), get hot as we approached the All-Star Break (.375 to lead the team as of 10/12/10), and slump down the stretch (.274 final average, 3rd on the team and only .002 higher than the pinch hitters) I endured a stringent off-season program to ensure that this year I'll be in it for the long haul. No more excuses like "My body is rejecting all this grease" or "Oh no! The lack of Vegetables in my McDonald's-heavy diet has robbed me of essential vitamins and minerals that are essential for healthy bodily functions such as eyesight, remaining fertile, and/or preventing scurvy!" No siree, I've trained myself this season to be a reliable force in the lineup from Day 1 to Day 28.

"How did you do that?" you ask. Well, my eager disciples, I'm going to throw you a bone and generously give you...

McGOMEZ's TOP 5 WAYS HE GOT READY FOR THE 2011 McDONALDOPOLY SEASON:

1) In order to expand my stomach to help with those pesky breakfast sandwiches that gave me fits last season, I have made an addition to my daily diet: Oreos and Peanut Butter. Yes, folks, the classic cookie combo made popular by the Lindsay Lohan version of Disney's The Parent Trap has found it's way into my food rotation and I have to say, my girth is now great enough to handle two Double Quarter Pounders with cheese...in one sitting.

2) I watched re-runs of every NASCAR race from 1995-2000 (they were available for a limited time on stream-only Netflix last June) just to get a glimpse of Bill Elliott's famed #94 McDonald's Ford Taurus. Unfortunately, Elliott didn't win a single race during that span, which accounted for 6 out of the 7 winless years in his Hall of Fame, 24-year full-time racing career. Some could blame his McDonald's sponsorship for bringing bad luck to him on the track, but I attribute his poor performance riding under the arches to selfless promotion of a worthy cause. You see, the slower he raced, the longer race fans could see his red and yellow vehicle on the track, bringing greater McDonald's awareness to podunk towns all across the Southern U.S. and Indiana.

3) I watched a lot of Space Jam. For those of you who didn't follow the team last year, Space Jam is indeed my favorite thing...ever. It excites me. It motivates me. It makes me feel good about myself. 90% of this game is having the willpower to continue going to McDonald's on a regular basis after girls start judging you for it. But that other 10% is confidence and I get my confidence from watching Space Jam. I watched a lot of Space Jam, ergo I have a lot of confidence. Ba-da-bing Ba-da-boom: I believe that I'm primed for a big year.

4) I wrote a book over the summer. It is a 350+ page fiction novel about a six-year-old girl who wears oven mitts, wants to dissect frogs, and talks to a stuffed dog toy (it's about other stuff, too). It helped prepare me for this, though, by teaching me commitment. I had to COMMIT to writing a book just like I have to COMMIT to McDonald's Monopoly. If I want to avoid a repeat of last year's Frygate, I have to be 100% dedicated, which I can proudly say I am.

5) I stayed away from McDonald's. I ate lots of fruits and veggies (cauliflower especially, yum!) and exercised regularly. I made my body healthy and my doctor's couldn't be prouder. And you know what? I am craving McDonald's like a white cartoon rabbit with eyebrows craves Trix (Leave a comment if you did(n't) get that reference!)

After I got myself into the best possible shape for this season, I was ready to put my off-season workouts to the test. However, eager to showcase my preparedness to as many people as possible, I decided to barnstorm to as many McDonald's locations as I could in the first few days. After scouting out different possible locations, I decided on two locations in Royal Oak, MI (one was next to a factory!) and one in Clawson.

Opening Day (9/27) saw me tackle the non-factory Royal Oak Mickey D's and I ordered my ol' standby 10-piece and fries and went an impressive 2-3. This was a charming location with a friendly wait staff and an eager customer base. Apparently, I wasn't the only one winning big as I heard an ecstatic co-customer exclaim "Yes! Free Fries!" These are the moments I live for.

The following day (9/28) I hit up the Factory McDonald's. Constructed right next to, you guessed it, a factory, this location was likely built to accommodate hungry workers who had very little in the way of lunch time. This was probably the reason my service was so darn speedy on this night...I had barely muttered my order when it was placed hot and ready in my hands (*NOTE* I am in no way endorsing Little Caesar's Pizza with that last statement). I fed off of the workers' energy and was able to pull a respectable 1-3 off of another 10-piece and Fries.

The first day of October proved to be my final day in my opening week barnstorm as I decided to make my highly-anticipated appearance in sleepy Clawson, MI's McDonald's. The fans came out in droves to see me place my order and I can honestly say I was surprised that extra crowd control was not called in to corral the unruly masses. Either way, I went a different route in Clawson (figured I'd give 'em a show - Lord knows they deserve one in this stinker of an economy). I ordered a Big Mac and Medium Water (they charged me a buck twenty-five, those cheap scoundrels) and went 1-2.

When the cheers had subsided and the results tallied, as the first week of McDonaldopoly '11 came to a close, McGomez was hitting a scintillating .500! Those numbers are too good for even the Hall of Fame!

Now, I know what you're thinking, "There's no way he keeps up this pace." Have you paid attention at all!? This is no fluke. This is what I trained to do. All of that hard work I put in was for these 28 days and I'll be damned if these aren't the greatest 28 days any of y'all have ever seen (with the exception of most February's). Peace, Love, And Rock n' Roll, suckas.

Ba Da Ba Ba Baa,

McGomez

The End of the 2010 Season

Whenever you start something as far-fetched as McDonaldopoly, it's hard to tell what will come of it. Will anybody read it? Will they think it's funny? Will they follow us? Will anybody care?

As I recount the past month of McDonald's Monopoly, I realize that I gained so much more than the memories of driving to our home "Stadium" 10 minutes until close every night, ordering 20 medium waters + $17 of free food we won off of the previous week's trips, and returning home to pull our game pieces. Actually, that's all I gained because I had been playing 2 hours of water polo everyday so I burned off all those calories. Hey, how ya feelin' McHoff, McKyle, & McCappo?
Over the weekend, I traveled to Purdue University for a water polo tournament, and my other team stopped off at a McDonald's in La Grange, IN on the way down. Mind you, it was the final weekend of the granddaddy of all McPromotions, and the La Grangians came in droves for the occasion. This provided a very positive atmosphere to play in, which is key when you're playing a road game. While they denied me a medium water purchase, they couldn't hinder the rest of my plays, as I went 2-3 amongst the Hoosiers to bring my season average up to a respectable .274.

Upon returning to the Dirty Deuce (Ann Arbor for our out-of-state readers), I met up with the team for one final match on Monday, November 1st - the last day of McDonald's Monopoly 2010.

Having learned a few days earlier that the Stadium McDonald's had "run out" of medium drinks with monopoly pieces on them (I wonder why?), we turned to the Ypsi McDonald's for our last hurrah.

After we each put in our orders for our last batch of free food items we had won, McCappo asked for "20 medium waters, please."

"Whaaaaat!?!?!?"

The cashier clearly had not been briefed on our high skill levels, but he put in the order nonetheless. After we got through the paying portion of the journey, we headed for the pick-up window, where we were greeted by 20 small waters. Aw, hell no.

So we drove back around to clarify the situation only receive 20 medium waters sans pieces from quite the unappreciative worker. After all we have done for McD's, we are still getting grief from them. I'm telling you, they should seriously consider adopting a McDonald's version of the Starbuck's gold card just for us - we've earned it.

We actually tried going to the Washtenaw McDonald's after our disheartening Ypsi visit, but we were unable to obtain any pieces there, either. With our resources all dried out, we came to a sad conclusion: our run...was done.

I'm gonna let the McOthers handle the final statistical breakdown of this season, but I would like to turn your focus (for now) towards next season. As such, I would like to introduce to you...

McGOMEZ's TOP 5 PREDICTIONS FOR 2011 McDONALDOPOLY:
1) McHoff will rebound from his disappointing 2010 campaign only to have his highlight reel pull of Ventnor Avenue voided after the tapes reveal he had worked in an area McDonald's over the off-season.

2) McKyle will retire at the end of the season when rehabbing his every-growing hips proves to be more difficult than initially assumed. However, midway through the 2011 season, when McChieber - McKyle's replacement - is charged as an accessory to the Hamburglar's horrendous Harrisburg Happy Meal Heist, McKyle Brett Farves it out of retirement to bat .387 down the stretch.

3) McCappo, upon overcoming his addiction to McDonald's, becomes a spokesperson for the fast-food awareness organization Cholesterol Unawareness is Maddening...and no one really believes him.

4) McGomez tries to overcome his PR flap in 2010 (see Frygate) by batting over .400 for the first 3 weeks of the season. However, a visit to a local improv comedy show ends in a busted gut for McGomez and an abrupt ending to his fairy tale season. However, his pre-injury performace regains his favor with the fans and his jersey sales go through the roof.

5) We still won't understand why we are doing this.

Well, that's the end of the 2010 season. I hope you enjoyed watching as much as we enjoyed playing. Don't leave us just yet, though, because there is plenty of shocking statistical analysis to follow. In addition, stay tuned as we are sure to explore other easy-to-obsess-over activities until the start of the 2011 McDonaldopoly season.

Ba Da Ba Ba Baaa,

McGomez